(Un)Happy Holidays Expectations

This is the time of year when expectations are in full force. I know I've talked about expectations before, probably numerous times. But in actuality they really come into play in most if not all aspects of life so mentioning them time and time again is needed. The holidays can bring up all sorts of feelings for us, and its a huge spectrum of people's experiences with it. There are those that can't wait to play holiday music and see family and friends at home, while others are filled with complete dread of the expectation of having to see family and put on a "happy" face when being forced to partake in rituals with people whom they may or may not feel connected to. And then there is the grey area in between those two extreme norms, and that grey area can be filled with excitement, doubt, anger, sadness, and any other range of emotions that can be connected to the human experience around the holidays. 

It's important to think about your own experience and how best to take care of yourself during that time. If you are in that grey area, and on any level have anxiety or depression around the holidays, its important to think about what triggers you, and what solutions can you create to feel better whether you are in a situation where you know stresses will be present, or simply trying to partake in an activity that brings you some happiness and joy. But also realizing that while many people do enjoy the holidays, just as many (or more) don't because of the expectations its puts on them to buy presents (which can be hard if on a strict budget), to be excelling at work or in a relationship, or any other pressure or something that they "should" be doing. And, if you have read my previous posts, you know I take issue with the word should. As Karen Horney talks about her tyranny of the should's, when we all create impossible demands of ourselves that are impossible to meet.

In essence, when we think about that we need to "have complete control or focus in life" or "happy all the time"- when we take a step back and think about these things, we need to realize that its these goals or pressures that we have on ourselves are causing us to feel out of sorts with who we are and who we want to be. It's hard to learn to accept ourselves in a world that often convinces us that we need to be doing something else. The best we can do is learn that no matter what we are doing, if we are happy, or (un)happy, that's how we feel; we own it, we live it, we know it isn't permanent and do our best to figure out how to get through and figure out our lives. And that, is a life long process, regardless. 

Please fall. You'll thank me later (hopefully).

There is nothing like the start of the fall season to encourage a spike in anxiety around the country. While this may sound a bit grim, a lot is going on for many this time of year (and this is common!). Some are starting a new academic year, a new job, or a transition to their first fall (semester) not going back to school. It could be a move to a new city, developing new friendships or losing touch with others from the summertime, or even current events around the world or this year's upcoming election. Really, you can take your pick for what anxiety triggering topic applies for you.

We can be so overtaken by anxious feelings that we will no doubt have times where we are feeling overwhelmed, grasping at ways to deal and cope with the stress. We may even fall; fall being loosely defined as emotionally crash, or have a panic attack amidst all of the triggers that are affecting our current ability to manage our emotions and moods. Everyone falls. We set ourselves apart from the next by not just how we pick ourselves up, but by how we manage to stay standing given the life and personal events that happen to us outside of our control (which can often feel like, almost everything!). So how does one remain steady and standing tall when dealing with anxiety? Well, it can vary but I can tell you that working proactively rather than just re actively (dealing with it only after you fall) is a place to start.

Managing your own anxiety is person specific in learning and developing the tools you need to help yourself reach a state of calm and feeling centered in yourself There are a plethora of ways that a person can both de stress and relax (and some of which I mention in my prior self-care post). What is really important to think about is the ways in which you have done this in the past, whether its reading, exercising, hiking, watching sports, TV, mindfulness tools, yoga, music, art, or writing; all of these can be and need to be completed on a regular basis in order to help yourself take more time for yourself to address your stresses. They may not feel directly related to that one work project you have been stressed out about, but they are. They each provide an opportunity to proactively work against the development of your anxiety that may build up within and that may cause you to fall. But again, I can't knock falling down. If anything its a true indicator of showing you that your body needs to spend more time relaxing and de stressing on the regular. And that is truly never a bad thing.   

The Complexities of Change, and being a Human Being

I'm back! Pardon the (almost) two month hiatus, I was trying to take my own advice and practice self-care. I think most would agree, summer days and weeks can go by fast at times. In any case, I digress! 

Change, and being a human being. These may seem like two separate and mutually exclusive topics. Change in our lives can be so constant, or feel as if nothing is changing at all. How is this possible? I am not sure, but at times we can feel overwhelmed by changes, whether they be personal and self-reflective, relational and/or work-life related, or changes taking place in the world that are on a constant reel and its hard to keep up at times. Or, amidst all of that, sometimes we can feel as if nothing changes, that we are the same person that we were when we were many years ago. Either of these points can feel so overwhelming at times, its likely we may feel depressed or anxious that life is moving too quickly or too slowly. Frankly, life is full of changes and they are constant, and whether we feel the effects of them or not is what differentiates us from each other. It's a part of the human experience to live through many life changes, and during all of these we need to learn to cope and deal with them. That's where the connection to being a human being is related to change.

Change is inevitable, and as human beings we have no choice but to somehow (hopefully) try to learn and adapt to . We all learn and cope with life events and personal struggles differently, but we must not forget we are human beings, full of complex emotions and its a struggle to adapt to new things at times. It's alright if you are sad at the loss of a friendship; its to be expected when you lose your job that you will be feeling depressed; and if you are feeling anxious due to recent family changes or events that you need to be involved in; there is really nothing more than that that makes you human. 

When I work with clients I hear often how much they may go through changes and feel frustrations that they are experiencing these things called feelings that affect their mood and  what they feel like is their quality of life at times. I've had conversations where, if a client is reporting a loss of a close grandparent, for example, and they are frustrated and mad at themselves for feeling sad; I always pose the question, "Why wouldn't you be sad in this situation?"  We are humans, yet we expect ourselves not to be, which is was in the end causes us to have the most rifts with ourselves and who we need to be. Our real self versus our ideal self. The real self wants to be sad and mourn the loss, but the ideal tells us to put on a happy face and mourn quickly, as being sad is frowned upon in society. It's a constant battle we all face in different ways. 

This is definitely a topic I am passionate about, as it comes up within all of us. On the next blog, I will talk more about the ideal versus real and ways in which you can work towards being your authentic self. 

Societal Grains

Whether it's a graduation, wedding, funeral, housewarming, family reunion, or any other type of societal ceremony that invites multiple families and/or friends to gather, one thing most often holds true to show up; societal grains. Societal grains can be interpreted in many ways (which I will explain more in depth in a bit), but in my own experience and from many clients I have worked with, we have all experienced the questions. These questions start from an early age and carry on throughout the majority of our lives. Here is a quick rundown, and try to look and see how many you have encountered or been asked in your life;

Where are you looking to apply to college? You aren't going to college? What will you do? Where are you going to college? What is your major? What do you want to do for a career? What do you want to do for the rest of your life? How is work? Are you happy? Are you dating anyone? Why are you single? Are you engaged yet? When are you getting married? When are you having kids? Why aren't you having kids? Are you going to look to buy a home? Where do you see your life going? What is the meaning of your life?

Phew. Admittedly, its a little tiring writing those out. I say this because, societal grains for many clients can almost be synonymous with pressures. Pressures that come from living in a society that is often future-oriented in thinking and in planning and has a challenging time being present. I worked with a client once who had for their whole life worked to be in college and study Chemistry, because they absolutely loved it. In meeting with them, they often expressed their anxiety in that, while they loved Chemistry and had focused so much time and energy on getting into college, they had never thought about what they wanted to do with this, and if they even wanted this to be related to their career. This client often felt lost, as they were planning for so long, when they finally got to what considered their end point (college, and studying Chemistry) they had no idea what to do. 

I have heard this a lot from clients over the years, as we live in a society that encourages us to plan for the future. To get to a point and then you will be happy. But there is societal future plans, and then our future plans; and both of these could be very different. Society, family, or friends may expect or want us to go to college or a trade school after high school, but what if we don't want to? What if we want to travel or do something unconventional? What if we don't have a desire to get married and are content living life as we are? What if we have different ideas of what being a family means or what life can be that doesn't involve children or dogs or white picket fences? The point of this blog is not to say any of these choices are better than the other. I have met with many clients over the years, all with different stories, different aspirations and life goals, and the issues tend to come up when each client questions their own life as in, (should) I be doing something else? These "should's", these grains, are what are causing a problem with our own happiness. I have met with those who are happy with their families and lives but fear judgment from family for wanting to travel or do things on their own. I have met with those who are content with living on their own but often think something may be wrong with them for not wanting to get a 9-5 job or staying in one location for long periods of time. There isn't anything wrong with planning for the future; but being aware of how much it dictates your present happiness is key. 

So it really doesn't matter what our own life circumstances may be, we will always face those grains, the pressures, the questions, the societal constructs that often make use question what we are doing and if we should be doing something else. It's a process to be able to live in the present, to own what you do (even if others judge or may not approve), because in the end, its human nature to judge one another (not necessarily in a negative way). It's embedded in us to notice differences in the things we see, so of course if makes sense that no matter what we do, we are going to judge each other for it. So when you can and want to, go against the grain and own it, because at the end of the day, that will make you the most happy with yourself. Be present, focus on life's processes and being happy now, and when you reach your goals there will be added joy and not just an endpoint. 

Getting lost in loss

Working with college students on a campus there is a certain rhythm to the school year. There is the obvious one that is set up given the two semesters and the summer time, and with this comes the usual time at the end of the spring semester that is more often than not filled with feelings of loss, both from the students and from the faculty and staff as we wrap up the school year. With that, I've been thinking a lot about loss in general, as myself, coworkers, and students all face our own loss's with the impending end of the academic year. 

Loss is a tricky thing and there are so many different types of it. Loss can be anything from graduation from college, or saying goodbye to a friend who moves out of town, or the passing of a loved one. It's incredibly hard to process and can be overwhelming, since as human beings we need time to thoroughly think about what we had and what we lost in any given experience. A topic that comes up a lot in our experiences with loss, especially when someone close to you may pass away, is that people around us (albeit they try to have good intentions) tend to tell us to "get back into a routine" and "keep ourselves busy" which honestly can be more hindering in terms of processing grief. As I mentioned, we need time, and when I say time, there is no limit to the amount that any of us may need to process a loss. While it is a challenging part of being a human being, it's not a fast process, as more often than not grief is rushed, displaced, and when we don't give ourselves the time we need we often delay the grief and experience months or years after the loss may happen. 

This is why its so important to devote the time (however long we may need) to process and deal with the losses we experience. There are a multitude of ways to deal with loss, and whether its creating a memory album, performing ritualistic tasks to commemorate the person or thing, or spending time with people specifically so conversations can revolve around the person who was lost; any of these tools can be helpful in working through grief. As with most issues that we deal with as human beings, its always important to own that its alright to experience them, which first and foremost allows yourself the ability to deal with them. After that, taking the steps you need and time to work through the grief, as the loss may not change but the way you view the loss and what it represents in your life will undoubtedly evolve.  

The Importance of Self-Care

This may or may not seem obvious, however, for the majority of people when life gets busy or stressful, the time they take for themselves is unfortunately the first thing that goes out the window. Why does this happen? We need fuel to run our engine, so to speak, so why is it when we are over scheduled or running on empty we neglect to fuel our tank? I'll quit it with the fuel to tank analogy, however, I use it to explain this point that we often overwork ourselves way past capacity and somehow don't feel we have enough time in the week to perform self-care tasks. 

Whether you are a full time student or working full time at your job, we more often than not have some sort of schedule that we need to adhere to. We schedule in our 9-5 job, our classes, personal commitments, social outings, family responsibilities, or anything else that could be considered a task to complete related to others. After all of these thing that make up our lives, we leave little to no room for personal time to ourselves. Some may prefer it that way, to be constantly surrounded by responsibilities or others, and there isn't anything wrong with that per se', however, if it is somehow detrimental to your daily functioning then a line needs to be drawn.

Self-care can really be anything and is so loosely defined. It's very person specific, we all have different things that we enjoy doing to relax, calm ourselves, or to take a break from reality (from everything) and take a breath. We live in a busy world and are constantly inundated with information, technology, and the busyness of people while maneuvering interpersonal relationships, that sometimes the most important relationship we need to manage gets left behind; the relationship we have with ourselves. 

The amount of time you take for self-care can be as little or as much as you need. Whether its 20-30 minutes a week where you take a break, shut off your phone, and allow yourself to focus on your own thoughts and what is going on directly around you, or taking a long weekend from school or work to have a stay-cation or a trip somewhere can be very helpful for a person's self-care. Daily tasks even if they are just 5-10 minutes of mindful moments or listening to a song can do so much more than they are given credit for. 

As much as we prioritize all the things that make up our lives outside of ourselves (work, school, family, relationships), we need to make these changes to be sure we are prioritizing ourselves in the mix of all of these things. If we can't take care of ourselves, it will be that much more of a challenge to take care of others. So, be selfish, turn the phone off for a bit, take a long weekend and make it all about you. Give yourself that, for once! 

That's so existential!

As you look around my website, you may notice a few things. First, that each section has a theme and a specific purpose, either to inform you of my background or explain how to set up an appointment and so on. The most notable topic of my website that I hope you find is my own nods and references to existential and humanistic theory. This is the theory that is at the basis of my approach when working with clients. For this reason I feel it’s important to explore and talk about this theory so that the words that I boldly present on the home page, “Self-Awareness. Growth. Responsibility. Choice. Meaning. Authenticity.” have more context which will help create understanding as to why they are there, and what makes them important in my therapeutic approach.

Existential humanism is the combination of two theories; existentialism and humanism. Existentialism stems from the Latin word ex-sistere, which means to “become” and humanism stems from the Greek tradition of “knowing thyself” (Schneider & Krug, 2010, pg. 5). We put those together and in essence existenstial-humanistic theory can be understood as “the process of becoming and knowing oneself” (Schneider & Krug, 2010, pg. 5).

In additional, the therapeutic approach tends to focus on three main values that can often lead to a great understanding of knowing oneself; freedom and choice, experiential reflection, and responsibility and ownership of one’s self (Schneider & Krug, 2010, pg. 6). 

The idea of getting to know yourself can truly be all-encompassing when it comes to working on most topics that may come up in therapy. Whether a person is feeling anxious, dealing with interpersonal relationships, or taking action to achieve life goals, these are all topics that directly reflect the client's being. I also mention on my approach page that my work tends to be client-centered, again, reiterating this point that throughout most if not all of the obstacles that we may work through in life, our focus and effort tends to be unique to who we are and the experiences that we have had. In that sense, while my therapeutic beliefs are based on personal growth and living authentically, these will be applied differently to every person that I work with in therapy.  This is where the client-centered approach also comes into play, as we are all individual and unique and that is what makes us look at things so differently than one another. It's those differences that make a difference, both in therapy, and in life.  

With all of these theories and talk of approaches in therapy, it brings me back to an anecdotal story my professor told to us in graduate school. My professor told this story of a man in a mental health clinic who one day was laying in his bed, both yelling and screaming in his room. A person entered the room and asked the man, "What's wrong?" The man in bed replied, "I need help. There is a rope around me and I can't untie it!" The person who entered the room looked at the man laying in his bed, seeing that there was no visible rope around him and asked, "What are you talking about? There is no rope around you, it's an imagination" and then the person left the man in the room.

The man in the room continued to yell and scream that he needed help, help to get out of this rope that he was reporting to have around him. A counselor walked in the room and asked the man, "What's wrong?" and the man laying in bed tried to explain as he had before, "I need help. There is a rope around me and I can't untie it!" Unlike the person before, the counselor walked over to the man in bed and proceeded to help him until his invisible rope. 

Existential and humanistic theory. Integrating client-centered and cognitive-behavioral approaches. These are all theories with tools and styles that I use to help clients untie their invisible ropes so that they can learn to own who they are and work towards becoming and knowing themselves better. In the end, that's one of the biggest goal we can all have in our lifetime. 

Reference: 

Schneider, K.J. & Krug, O.T. (2010). Existential-Humanistic Therapy. Washington D.C.: American Psychological Association. 

Here's the stigma about stigmas...

As a therapist, I am well aware of the stereotypes and the stigma that surround therapy. Many people think they have a pretty good idea of what therapy is, who its catered for, and why someone may need it. More often than not I've heard from clients who are beginning the process that they feel people who seek therapy are "severely mentally ill", and that they themselves didn't want to ask for help (as they should be able to figure it out on their own, because asking for help can often be seen as a weakness). 

There are many elements of these preconceived notions that are important to examine; First, that therapy is only for those who are "severely mentally ill". If we think about medical doctors and the types of treatment they provide, do they only cater to those who are struggling with life-threatening illnesses or do they also provide services to those who many need a routine check-up or a yearly exam of some sort? Doctors treat those who are dealing with a large range of medical issues, and in terms of treatment, therapy really isn't that different. Have I worked with clients in the past who have struggled with major depressive disorder or had suicidal thoughts? Yes, but I have also worked with clients who were examining their purpose in life, or questioning the choices that they were making within their family or in terms of their career and life aspirations. So, as with doctors, therapists provide the level of treatment that is needed or requested by any given client that makes an appointment. 

Second, and because I hear about it so often from clients and through social media, I think a lot about the concept that anyone seeking help of any kind can be seen as "weak". I almost compare it to when I am working with clients and they may tear up during a session, and about 95% of the time their tears are followed by an apology. Most clients apologize after showing tears, and explain that they either "never cry" or they feel as though they are a "stronger person" than the tears they may show. It's really important to examine our own constructs of how we define "strength" and "weakness". Tears, as with the concept of "asking for help" don't need to be defined as weakness, in my clinical practice I have actually found quite the opposite; With tears, they can be our way of physically expressing the tension we are dealing with internally and associating with certain personal experiences.  With asking for help, or seeking treatment, having the ability to recognize and own that you may not have all the answers (again, questioning why we all expect that we (should) know all the solutions to our problems) is much more a sign of strength for myself and for many in the counseling field. My hope is that the stigmas will continue to be examined and debunked so more people can not only seek the help that they need but learn that expression of emotion isn't weakness, it's what makes us human.