(Un)Happy Holidays Expectations

This is the time of year when expectations are in full force. I know I've talked about expectations before, probably numerous times. But in actuality they really come into play in most if not all aspects of life so mentioning them time and time again is needed. The holidays can bring up all sorts of feelings for us, and its a huge spectrum of people's experiences with it. There are those that can't wait to play holiday music and see family and friends at home, while others are filled with complete dread of the expectation of having to see family and put on a "happy" face when being forced to partake in rituals with people whom they may or may not feel connected to. And then there is the grey area in between those two extreme norms, and that grey area can be filled with excitement, doubt, anger, sadness, and any other range of emotions that can be connected to the human experience around the holidays. 

It's important to think about your own experience and how best to take care of yourself during that time. If you are in that grey area, and on any level have anxiety or depression around the holidays, its important to think about what triggers you, and what solutions can you create to feel better whether you are in a situation where you know stresses will be present, or simply trying to partake in an activity that brings you some happiness and joy. But also realizing that while many people do enjoy the holidays, just as many (or more) don't because of the expectations its puts on them to buy presents (which can be hard if on a strict budget), to be excelling at work or in a relationship, or any other pressure or something that they "should" be doing. And, if you have read my previous posts, you know I take issue with the word should. As Karen Horney talks about her tyranny of the should's, when we all create impossible demands of ourselves that are impossible to meet.

In essence, when we think about that we need to "have complete control or focus in life" or "happy all the time"- when we take a step back and think about these things, we need to realize that its these goals or pressures that we have on ourselves are causing us to feel out of sorts with who we are and who we want to be. It's hard to learn to accept ourselves in a world that often convinces us that we need to be doing something else. The best we can do is learn that no matter what we are doing, if we are happy, or (un)happy, that's how we feel; we own it, we live it, we know it isn't permanent and do our best to figure out how to get through and figure out our lives. And that, is a life long process, regardless. 

Societal Grains

Whether it's a graduation, wedding, funeral, housewarming, family reunion, or any other type of societal ceremony that invites multiple families and/or friends to gather, one thing most often holds true to show up; societal grains. Societal grains can be interpreted in many ways (which I will explain more in depth in a bit), but in my own experience and from many clients I have worked with, we have all experienced the questions. These questions start from an early age and carry on throughout the majority of our lives. Here is a quick rundown, and try to look and see how many you have encountered or been asked in your life;

Where are you looking to apply to college? You aren't going to college? What will you do? Where are you going to college? What is your major? What do you want to do for a career? What do you want to do for the rest of your life? How is work? Are you happy? Are you dating anyone? Why are you single? Are you engaged yet? When are you getting married? When are you having kids? Why aren't you having kids? Are you going to look to buy a home? Where do you see your life going? What is the meaning of your life?

Phew. Admittedly, its a little tiring writing those out. I say this because, societal grains for many clients can almost be synonymous with pressures. Pressures that come from living in a society that is often future-oriented in thinking and in planning and has a challenging time being present. I worked with a client once who had for their whole life worked to be in college and study Chemistry, because they absolutely loved it. In meeting with them, they often expressed their anxiety in that, while they loved Chemistry and had focused so much time and energy on getting into college, they had never thought about what they wanted to do with this, and if they even wanted this to be related to their career. This client often felt lost, as they were planning for so long, when they finally got to what considered their end point (college, and studying Chemistry) they had no idea what to do. 

I have heard this a lot from clients over the years, as we live in a society that encourages us to plan for the future. To get to a point and then you will be happy. But there is societal future plans, and then our future plans; and both of these could be very different. Society, family, or friends may expect or want us to go to college or a trade school after high school, but what if we don't want to? What if we want to travel or do something unconventional? What if we don't have a desire to get married and are content living life as we are? What if we have different ideas of what being a family means or what life can be that doesn't involve children or dogs or white picket fences? The point of this blog is not to say any of these choices are better than the other. I have met with many clients over the years, all with different stories, different aspirations and life goals, and the issues tend to come up when each client questions their own life as in, (should) I be doing something else? These "should's", these grains, are what are causing a problem with our own happiness. I have met with those who are happy with their families and lives but fear judgment from family for wanting to travel or do things on their own. I have met with those who are content with living on their own but often think something may be wrong with them for not wanting to get a 9-5 job or staying in one location for long periods of time. There isn't anything wrong with planning for the future; but being aware of how much it dictates your present happiness is key. 

So it really doesn't matter what our own life circumstances may be, we will always face those grains, the pressures, the questions, the societal constructs that often make use question what we are doing and if we should be doing something else. It's a process to be able to live in the present, to own what you do (even if others judge or may not approve), because in the end, its human nature to judge one another (not necessarily in a negative way). It's embedded in us to notice differences in the things we see, so of course if makes sense that no matter what we do, we are going to judge each other for it. So when you can and want to, go against the grain and own it, because at the end of the day, that will make you the most happy with yourself. Be present, focus on life's processes and being happy now, and when you reach your goals there will be added joy and not just an endpoint.